Andrew Heinzman
Like giving rifles to a caveman, PopSockets is introducing an advanced, dangerous technology to the naive American populace. The decadent PopThirst beer koozie and PopGrip bottle opener, which sell for just $13 and $15, are more powerful than anything we’ve ever encountered, and we shall surely pay for our ignorance.
I held my tongue when PopSockets unveiled its PopGrip Mirror. I stood in silent fear as the company peddled its PopGrip Stash—a “hide your supply” accessory. But this is the final straw. Now, I must stand against PopSockets’ alien technology and defend our culture, despite what consequences may come of my actions.
Just look at the PopThirst beer koozie and tell me that it is not dangerous. It has a built-in grip and comes in 12-ounce or 16-ounce configurations. Most beer cans are of the same width, so the PopThirst koozies should also fit 20 and 24-ounce drinks.
The PopGrip bottle opener is a different animal and surely comes from the mind of some deeply violent individual. It attaches to your phone and acts like any regular PopSocket. But when the mood strikes, you can detach it from your phone to pry open a bottle of precious liquid.
Memorial Day weekend is just around the corner, and it may serve as your introduction to the PopThirst koozie and PopGrip bottle opener. If you find yourself with these alien tools, I simply ask that you stay safe. This advanced technology is beyond your limited intelligence, and it can quickly pulverize your mind and cloud your judgment.
